It’s hard to suppress that urge to flush the first day with an overabundance of new content. Excitement is high, unfortunately things to write about are sparse. That makes it a little easier at least.
I am currently on the first day of a week vacation. That is one of the upsides to my work; they supply quite a generous amount of vacation time. I’ll have 60 hours left unused after this week, and this will be my third week long vacation of the year. I suppose that’s a good way to try to compensate for burnout, which is a substantial issue in social work.
I love my job. I can’t imagine doing anything else. It involves an odd combination of whimsy and dedicated, logical problem solving that feels like it’s directly catering to me. I would have never guessed, considering my own teenage experiences, that I would excel at a job that is primarily flexing my social skills with teenagers. Though, I do have a tendency to handle things better when I’m in a position from the outside looking in, or have a very specific role to fill. It’s really the supervisory portion of the job–the one that requires me to interact with other adults, my peers–that I struggle the most with. I think that’s an issue for another time though.
Concerning the week off (which actually amounts to 10 consecutive days free counting my normal weekend) I’m really just planning a “staycation.” We are going camping at Bullards on Tuesday and plan to see some friends and family from Bandon for some food around a fire that night. Otherwise, I forsee a lot of lounging in my near future.
I figure that’s the perfect time to start a new project such as this.
Until next time,
I always feel like I need to start new projects with a kind of mission statement; as if what I’m doing is important and vital enough to deserve one; as if it will somehow motivate me to charge forward with purpose. I think I’ve done this probably a dozen or more times, each time with the same result: A succinct decline and death. But in the age of the internet, projects don’t really die do they? Scattered out there—on disparate sites and media—are the remnants of each of those attempts at making something meaningful or worth sharing with others. When I was signing up for wordpress to start this one, I found an old blog that I don’t even remember starting that was a single post with a message similar to this one.
I can say this time will be different. I can make all the claims and predictions I want but the weight of past failures still bears heavy. I have this compulsion that feeds me with thoughts that a project kept private is futile. That if I am not sharing a hobby or creation it is not worth doing. On the flipside I am filled with a nagging doubt about the quality and worth of my work. That it is not worth sharing with others in the first place.
So repeats this limbo, somewhere between purgatory and reincarnation. This back and forth between the desire to create and share and a destructive lack of confidence.
This one is for me. The plan is to post general musings and observations of our little community here, as an easy content source to just keep writing. I am posting it online out of that compulsion to share, but for the first time I am doing it for myself. Writing was such a driving force in my life before. All of my dreams and plans revolved around language and creation in some form or another, but it has been so long since I have written anything more than a text message or a report at work.
If you find my posts interesting, feel free to stick around and follow. If not, I will attempt to keep pushing forward, for me, in an effort to prove to myself I can.
With great hope,