Today is a quiet day.
Yesterday was rough. I had a sort of camping hangover going on. Between being woken from sleep every fifteen minutes or so due to little doggy disruptions and the combination of hard ground and surprisingly aged bones it took quite a toll. Even with several naps and quite a bit of caffeine I still felt like I could barely manage to navigate my own house. I think the nap/caffeine combination actually worsened the condition, merging into a sort of semi-living status like something out of a George A. Romero flick.
But today is quiet.
I think my brain finally caught on to the fact that I’m on vacation. I finally blugeoned it into submission. I think the misery of yesterday kind of worked like a hard reset for my soul. I’m at about the halfway point of my time off. It’s at about this point that I historically start turning my attention to going back to work. Even with 6 full days left (the length of two of my normal weekends) I start to dread going back. I love my job, but I still dread going back. There’s got to be some kind of a mindset issue going on there; what we’d call at work a “thinking error.” It’s an issue of positive self talk and framing.
This time I actually feel pretty good. Maybe it’s just the fact that my brain is still five days behind and just now registered that I’m on vacation, but I feel good. I think this blog has been a good way to structure my thoughts a bit and provide some focus to what would otherwise be a week of aimless meandering. I’ve always been a fan of metaphors and parables, and the weird and occult. I think I’ve stumbled onto a good synthesis of those things. That was the first objective of this blog: To write about what interests me. I feel like I’ve succeeded in bundling up all of my divergent interests and cramming them into one focus. It feels good.
This blog is also entirely authentic. It is an accurate representation of my reality. That is its second objective. When I started this blog I wanted a way to organize and repurpose my thoughts into something managable; something I could control. I wanted somewhere I could overuse semi-colons and wax poetic without restriction.
I would like to be direct about something. For those of you that aren’t close to me, you should know that I am a deeply anxious person. I’ve come to an understanding that my anxiety is an addiction. I feel like what many would term a “functioning addict.” I feel relatively successful in managing my anxiety overall, but it is fully dependent on the day. There are many days where I feel unstoppable and confident. There are equally as many days that I do not feel in control. I feel like a school child hiding under my desk, waiting for tremors to stop.
For a very long time my response to my neurosis was to neglect it. Because of the way that anxiety works, whenever I put focus on it there is an initial swell in anxiety, like its a seperate sentience that is resisting me, fighting back. So I would walk away. I would let it win.
I’m starting to see that the solution is a combination of acceptance and confrontation. For a long time I tried to confront it in private, but put on a brave face for everyone else. I had this facade when I was around other people that did not acknowledge that this other part of me existed. I consider myself a person of dedicated integrity, but that dichotomy created a barrier. It created a barrier to my integrity and to my wellness.
So there is quite a bit going on here. This is my radical acceptance and declaration of my illness, as well as my creative outlet. This is deeply personal. I worried for the first few posts if I was being overly personal for something that is published to the whole world, but I think that’s a necessary component of what I’m trying to do here.
I am all in. I have to be.
Hoping I haven’t scared you all off,